I keep thinking back on all the stuff that hurt me. Like the one time at lunch my “friends” decided to play the first kiss game at my table and they all laughed when it was my turn, because I haven’t had my first kiss at the time. Or when I felt like my friends were being mean to me on facebook and I asked my one friend to tell them to stop but she made it worse by commenting something like “guys makenzy wanted me to tell you guys to stop… Oh wait i don’t think i was supposed to say this.” Or when they had a New Year’s Eve party without me, while I was at home balling my eyes out trying to commit suicide. Not because I wasn’t invited, but just all my other problems caught up with me. Or when they’d just make me mad to see my reaction. It’s not my fault things hurt me. Or how a lot of my friends are starting not to like me.
I don’t like being hurt or remembering things like this. I don’t like crying or cutting, but I do it anyway. I don’t know for sure what’s completely wrong with me, I’d like to find out but I don’t want to be put on suicide watch. I don’t know how much longer I will be on this Earth. I do know that I will be gone one day soon. I don’t know if I’ll be here when summer comes, or when leaves start changing colors, or if I’ll even make it to 2014. I don’t see myself graduating High School. I don’t see myself ever forgetting all these things that bother me or ever getting better.
The sooner I leave, the better, I guess. The sooner I leave the faster people will forget me and the faster things will get better for everyone. The sooner I leave, the less annoyed everyone will be; they won’t have to put up with me at anytime.
I can go at anytime, death doesn’t scare me too much. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being put down, disappointed, forgotten, alone, ashamed, regretful, hated… I’m tired of being me.
For all we know, this could be my last tumblr post.